Pretty much by definition, a copy of a thing, even a good thing will be worse than the original. Like a Xerox of a Xerox, the ink fades and blurs, dust and speckles appear, the clean look of the original is lost. So, too, with films. It is indeed a very short list of sequels to masterwork films that were worth the price of a ticket.

For the ground rules, we have to start with a truly wonderful first film. No one cares that Stuart Little 2 sucked because Stuart Little sucked, ditto all those '80s slasher flicks, which, with a few exceptions, followed a standard script pretty closely. No, these have to be terrible follow-ups to outstanding originals. If you happen to notice a preponderance of horror/scifi films, that's largely because serious dramas rarely take sequels (yes, fine, The Godfather and The French Connection are two notable exceptions).

What kills a sequel? Glad you asked. Here are some common coffin nails.

-New, shitty actors replacing the originals
-New, annoying characters
-Kids
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Ridiculous, unbelievable romances
-Huge stupid explosions to take your mind off the pathetic plot
-Too many years gone by
-Makes you question how good the original even was
-Ewoks

Top Ten Worst Sequels:

10. Mission Impossible 2: Not that the first film was a true masterpiece (hence the low spot on the list) but still, it was dense and convoluted and, dare I say it, just a wee bit smarter than we were, which made it at least a passable thriller. The sequel? Not so much. Between a DOA love story and the ridiculous, over-the-top boom boom, all you left with was a growing hatred of Tom Cruise and a headache. And not the good kind, either.

Checklist:
-New, annoying characters
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Ridiculous, unbelievable romances
-Huge stupid explosions to take your mind off the pathetic plot
-Makes you question how good the original even was

9. Hannibal: A egregious example of a singularly fascinating character absolutely killed by over-exposure. In Silence of the Lambs Lecter was cunning, brilliant, dripping charm and evil in equal doses. By the time this catastrophe rolled out, he'd become a sadistic boor, and worse, an absolute sop for Clarice Starling (who falls for the man after watching him eat a living person's brain -- I'm all for whatever turns you on, but honestly). The film was so absolutely unredeemingly bad that it actually managed to taint the vastly superior Silence, a crying shame.

Checklist:
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Ridiculous, unbelievable romances
-Makes you question how good the original even was

8. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Remember the fun that Raiders of the Lost Arc was? Remember how effortlessly the film seemed to shift from staggering stunt pieces, to humorous asides and back again? TOD was, perhaps, the exact opposite: No fun, shrill, dull and, weirdly violent on top of everything else. What's the best way to kill interest in action hero? Saddle him with a simpering loudmouth girlfriend and a cutesy kid sidekick. Or, God help you, both.

Checklist:
-New, annoying characters
-Kids
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Ridiculous, unbelievable romances

7. Speed 2: I know, it's been done to death already, but as a basic rule of thumb: speeding bus = danger, excitement, thrills. Speeding giant boat = horse latitudes.

Checklist:
-New, shitty actors replacing the originals
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Ridiculous, unbelievable romances
-Huge stupid explosions to take your mind off the pathetic plot
-Makes you question how good the original even was

6. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome: Sure, it gave us the immortal "Two men enter; one man leave" line, but it also saddled us with Tina Turner and Mel Gibson trading shitty wigs back and forth. And the kids, my God, the kids. Little ragamuffins in make-shift burlap outfits with genuine smears of Hollywood dust on their cheeks, looking imploringly at Mel to save them from certain doom. Check, please.

Checklist:
-New, annoying characters
-Huge stupid explosions to take your mind off the pathetic plot
-Kids

5. The Sting 2: The first installment had cons and mindgames and a lovable cast with brilliant chemistry. All you need to know about its successor? The dropoff from Paul Newman and Robert Redford to Jackie Gleason and Mac Davis is like going from chilled Veuve Clicquot to warm bison piss out of a homeless dude's sneaker.

Checklist: -New, shitty actors replacing the originals
-Makes you question how good the original even was

4. Caddyshack 2: Well, the original shouldn't have worked as well as it did in the first place. Like Animal House, it succeeded largely on the improvising genius strength of its gifted comic actors (including Bill Murray, Chevy Chase and Rodney Dangerfield) and an inspired set up with plenty of things to skewer. The sequel, filmed eight years later and starring Jackie Mason and Dyan Cannon, had neither. It is still set on a golf-course, though, so it had that going for it.

Checklist:
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Ridiculous, unbelievable romances
-Huge stupid explosions to take your mind off the pathetic plot
-Too many years gone by
-New, shitty actors replacing the originals
-New, annoying characters

3. The Matrix Reloaded: Now, we're really starting to plumb the depths. There might not be a sequel in history that dropped its cool quotient so utterly and completely as this shameful, loud mess. It's like the original Matrix was the kid in your class who rarely said a word, but always ended up with the hottest chicks and threw the best parties; the sequel was a junior member of the mathletes, with dime-sized whiteheads and already thinning hair. So idiotic were the denizens of Zion, you started involuntarily rooting for the machines to win.

Checklist: -New, annoying characters. Including every living inhabitant of freaking Zion
-Makes you question how good the original even was

2. Jaws Considering it had some of the original cast (unlike the further sequels, which aren't even worth your contempt) and nearly twice the budget, this film is an absolute atrocity. The shark looks terrible, the acting is horrific (except for Roy Scheider and Lorraine Gary, who try, mostly in vain, to recreate their lived-in chemistry that worked so well in the original) and the set-up, whereupon a bunch of hateful, bratty kids go out on their fancy catamarans and get set upon by a helicopter-eating shark is, shall we say, less than engaging. As for the fear factor? The shark looked like H.R. Pufnstuf with teeth.

Checklist:
-New, annoying characters
-Kids
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines

1. Return of the Jedi: The sequel that George Lucas himself never recovered from, which explains the even-worse batch of nonsense with the more recent "Prequel Trilogy" -- this abomination needed only to follow the glorious lead of The Empire Strikes Back one of the better sequels, for my money, in film history. Seriously, that film did all the heavy lifting and character development needed for an amazing end to the saga. But, no, for some reason ($$$$?), Lucas decided the best course was to completely ignore his main fan base and make the film for eight-year-olds. Thus were we subjected to awful jokes, Muppets by the boatload and those goddamn Ewoks, whose only purpose was to move as much fuzzy merch as possible come Christmas time. As a result, the film is flat, redundant, dull and, by the end, where a triumphant ghost trinity of Ben, Yoda and Vader are all hugging each other with tears in their eyes, truly a disgrace. At the time, I was 16 and I don't believe I have ever left a movie that disappointed again. Damn you, George Lucas, you stole my innocence!

Checklist:
-New, annoying characters
-Plots that only serve to allow characters to rehash the same reactions/lines
-Huge stupid explosions to take your mind off the pathetic plot
-Makes you question how good the original even was
-Ewoks

two.one.five editor Piers Marchant is a former film critic, and, as such, still loves to ram his half-baked opinions down everyone's throats.